Bakura's Horrid Day
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: Random events in Bakura's horrid day. The sequel, Kaiba's Horrid Day, is now out.
1. Okay?

DIS: Welcome one and all to 'Bakura's Odd Messages'! Full of humor and oddness! So relax and make sure your not drinking or eating anything! It may go through your nose later on...(sweat drops) Enjoy!

Bakura walked in the apartment and saw the answering machine's red light flashing. He pushed the play button.

You have 6 messages. Message 1:

"Hi Bakura, this is Anzu, what's up? Yeah, I know, you hate my guts, but I don't really give a hoot, so anyways, just wondering if Ryou's letter came in yet. If so, tell him I said hi, and um, you know...Everything's going great and stuff, so, er, yeah. Anyways, hehehe, I— "Anzu, who are you talking to?" "no one mom, I'm leaving a message!" "Oh, well, hurry up so we can go get your tampons sweetie!"

"(OO'') What the fuck?" Bakura mumbled.

"UHH...OK! Er, eh, heh, heh, heh, Bye Bakura!"

BEEP!

Message 2:

"Yo, yo, HOMES! Waddup, dawg? This is Honda, seein' what was up, down, sideways and over, dawg! And F Y I, I'm datin' Miho now, so...IN YOUR FACE! YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER NOW, AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

BEEP!

Message 3:

"Hello you fool. This is Marik! Yami Marik Ishtar here to say— "Marik! GET YOUR NAKED TAN ASS DOWN HERE!" "Hey...How does she know I'm naked? SORRY ISIS, I DON'T DIG INCEST!"

"(V.V)"

"MARIK, YOU GET DOWN HERE NOW BEFORE I COME UP THERE AND RAPE YOU!" "AWWW! (X X) UH, Bakura, if you're there, SAVE ME!" (Slam is heard in the background) ...(Dial tone)

"Marik's gettin' some from Isis! Lucky!" Bakura hissed to himself.

Message 4:

"Bakura, this is the Pharaoh, Atemu. I challenge you to a duel. Over this wirey thing...It's kinda like a Millennium Item, you can actually talk through it to talk to other people. Isn't that odd? It's very strange if you asked for my opinion. Yuugi calls this thing a phone. So why aren't you answering your phone, Tomb Robber? Dammit, this swirly wire thing is getting tangled up in my hair! And I used almost a whole bottle of hair gel in my hair too!" CRASH "DAMN THING!" SLAM "CURSE YOU TO HEEELLL!" BAM! "I SHALL SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!" PPFFTTUU! (silence) "Ahem, Grandpa fixed it. I think I knocked him out...IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! Er, uh, bye!"

BEEP!

Message 5:

"Dis is Katsuya Jounouchi and I'm complainin' about da chicken noodles I bought from ya! Dey tastes more like beef den chicken and I want beef, goddammit! Your service stinks, ya warthog, I don't dink I'm gonna even waste my time orderin' from ya guys! Ya don't even know how to answer your phone! What, are ya suddenly closed, huh, are ya? Cos I just ordered from ya about 5 minutes ago and you guys are just across the street and I see people goin in and outta there so dat means dat you knew dat it was me and ya just want ta rip me off! Well den screw you! I'm gonna order from Da Red Dragon from now on, ya pushovers! GOOD BYE!"

"Idiotic mutt..." Bakura sighed, rolling his eyes to the celing.

Message 6:

"I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR BRAINS!"

BEEP! You have 0 messages.

Bakura blinked. The last one was most interesting. He wondered if that was a crazy guy, Atemu or Marik. He shrugged.

Later 

Bakura came back in and saw he had 4 new messages. Gee, I wonder.

You have 4 new messages.

Message 1:

"Bakura, this is Seto Kaiba. I think you should know that you are crazy, I'm an alcoholic and that I am bisexual. I'm also high on dope right now."

BEEP!

"Why the hell did he call for that pointless reason?" Bakura growled to himself.

Message 2:

"OHHHHHHH!" "BABY!" Bakura's hand shot towards the 'Next' button.

BEEP!

"(X.X) Ahem, right, next!" Bakura coughed.

Message 3:

"Hello, this is Shizuka Jounouchi. I want to say sorry for my brother's behavior. He was very rude, but we will be dining at The Red Dragon from now on, mainly because I don't think it's necessary for us TO GET BAD SERVICE, KID MOLESTER!"

BEEP!

Message 4:

"Hello. HELLO. Hello. HELLO. Hello. HELLO. Hello. HELLO. Hello. HELLO. Hello. HELLO—

"( ) Ra dammit!"

"HELLO, HOW DO YOU DO? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM...What's my name again?" "Are you stupid? It's Otogi!" "Right! I AM OTOGI...What's my last name again?" "(sound of a slap) YOU MORON!" "Er, I AM OTOGI SOMETHING AND AM HERE TO SAY HELLO TO...Who did we call again?" "UH, I'm not really sure. It was a random number in the phone book." "Ok. I AM HERE TO SAY HELLO TO RANDOM PERSON IN THE RANDOM PHONE BOOK! ARE YOU GOING TO KILL ME? DO YOU KNOW ME? DO YOU THINK I'M HOT? DO YOU WANT INTERCOURSE WITH ME? THEN, UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, I'M FLATTERED. NOW, HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME!"

Bakura groaned, not believing the pointlessness of all of this.

"I AM GAY, I LOVE MEN, I DATE WOMEN FOR FUN, I DATE MEN FOR THEIR YOU-KNOW-WHAT'S! I AM ? OF AGE AND HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AND RAPED BEFORE, HAVE A GOOD DAY, GOODBYE!"

BEEP!

"What the hell...?" Bakura murmured to himself.

Message 5:

"I love you, you love me, let's all be a family! Ooh, ooh, wait, I KNOW! Heads and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! Heads and shoulders, knees and toes knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose, head and shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes! Bye Baka-chan! Yuugi saying, eat your daily vegetables annnddddd Brush you teeth twice a day, floss your teeth once a day! And don't forget regular dental appointments, yay!"

BEEP! You have 0 messages.

Bakura groaned, why did people continuously torture him. He only hoped he didn't have, what, 11 useless messages tomorrow too.

TBC?

DIS: (grins) There you go! If you want me to continue, send in ideas and reviews! And might I remind you that if you do not review, IT IS A SIN! Ja ne!


	2. What in the?

DIS: Hello people! Welcome back to Bakura's Horrid Day! Enjoy the second chapter!

X

Bakura woke up in the morning, yawning. He dragged his feet into the living room and scowled, seeing the message machine blinking: Five messages!

"Aw, shit. What now?"

"You have five messages, message one:

"Ooh, baby, baby, oops! I did it again, I played with your heart and...Um, what's that word again, Marik? Lust of again? Is that it?"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW, ABIOU! Are you on the phone? PUT YOUR PANTS ON FOR RA SAKES!"

"But I think Britney Spears took hers off...Right?"

"WHA – ? Who the fuck is Britney Spears!"

"That one chick who got married to her best friend for a day, then divorced him. Ya know?"

"NO I DO NOT KNOW! Who did you call?"

"Hmm, I don't remember, but Atemu is next! Let us go and dial! MWAHAHAHA!"

Beep!

Message Two:

"(seductive voice) Hello, Bakura. This is your secret admirer..."

"(OO) Is that Anzu?" Bakura asked himself with wide eyes. "Oh shit!"

"I'm only in my bra and thong. Why don't you come and sidle over here, baby? I've got a bag full of fun for you, sweetheart! (hic!) And lots of alchohol too! Why don't you come and have a drink with me? Don't you want to have a fun time? Come on over, Bakura. RIDE ME BABY, RIDE ME! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Message Three:

"BAKURA! YOU ASSHOLE, ANSWER YOUR FUCKING THING THAT IS SO RETARDED! RAAADAAMMIITTT! SCREW YOU! I SUMMON THE DARK MAGICIAN TO DESTROY THIS CONTRAPTION! Pffttttuuuu!"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. For help, dial your operator, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!"

"(-.-) Damn Pharaoh..." Bakura muttered.

Message Four:

"Hello, who's calling? Hello? HELLLOOO? What the hell is your problem? You jackass, answer me, who is this? Aw, screw you then!"

Message Five:

"His, this is the Sex Line. So you want HOT sex? Then just pick up the phone, but if you don't pick up the phone now, then sorry, you miss out of the HOT, KINKY, HARD SEX! (pause) Bye!"

Beep!

"You have no new messages."

"Damn it all! I could have gotten laid with not only Mazaki, but someone I don't even know! RA DAMMIT!" Bakura swore. He twitched his nose in anger, then stormed off. He paused and looked at the phone. Grinning, he looked at the Caller ID.

X

Anzu groaned from her hangover and pushed the message button.

"You have one message, Message one:

"Hello Mazaki, this is Bakura. You might remember a dirty message you left on my machine last night, so I decided to repay the favor. If you ever want to get laid just out of fun, Mazaki, then I'm all ears. It's intriguing to say the least. And the things I would do to you are..." (DIS: (X.X) Too naughty for young ears, hehehe...)

At the end of the message, Anzu was drooling and her face was red.

"Damn! I wonder how long ago he called?" She dialed his number, but it was busy. She pouted and sulked, glaring at the phone.

X

Marik growled, seeing a message on the phone. "Grr!"

"You have one message, Message one:

"ISIS, STOP RAPING MARIK AND MALIK STOP SINGING BRITNEY SPEARS' SONG! SHE'S A WHORE! A SLUT!"

Beep!

Marik's jaw dropped.

"That asshole!" Marik called him back and swore every possible cuss word he knew at the busy tone.

X

At the Kame Game Shop, Atemu beamed, clapping his hands in glee, seeing that he had a message.

"You have one message, Message one:

"Hello, Pharaoh, this is Bakura. I hope you know that Yuugi will only molest you in your sleep and Grandpa will fuck your brains out if you don't buy a new phone. Good luck – well, not _really_."

Atemu gulped. He grabbed some of Yuugi's money and left to buy a new phone. On his way out, he gave Yuugi and Grandpa bizarre looks.

"I think he watched old grandpa/young grandson porn again," Grandpa told his grandson. Yuugi looked at his grandpa oddly, inching away from him.

X

Bakura grinned, satisfied with his playback! However, later, when he got messages, he wasn't quite so happy.

"You have four messages, message one:

"Baaakkuuurrrraaa, answer your phhoonnneee! DAMN YOU SEXY TOMB ROBBER, ANSWER YOUR PHONE BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND JUMP YOU! Loved your message, I kept it! Bye!"

Bakura snickered.

Message two:

"(&$#(&&(#)(&$)($(&)#!(#!"

"(Oo) Marik and Malik were obviously pissed...

Message three:

"Tomb Robber, you have to help me! Yuugi and Grandpa have been acting strange. When I came in, Grandpa was talking about old grandpa/young grandson porn! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I never would asked for help – because I am Pharaoh – but I don't want to lose my virginity! (cries) I WANT MY MOMMY! Ooh, I found a dime! Ahem, good bye!"

Message four:

"YOU'VE WON A BILLION DOLLARS! YEAH RIGHT, YOU ASS! YOU WISH! WHY WOULD YOU EVER WIN A BILLION DOLLARS? YOU SUCK CRAP, BI-OTCH! HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, YOU SON OF A BITCH! SEE YOU NEVER, HAHAHAHA!"

"That was hella rude. I should send that guy's ass to the Shadow Realm. NO ONE SAYS THAT TO BAKURA RYOU! Actually, that's not even my real name..."

X

DIS: Welp, there you have it! Only one chapter left. Why? Cos I'm a cheap sucker, hahaha! Please review, ciao!


	3. Whoa, man!

DIS: Last chapter! But not the last you will hear of this fic!

X

Bakura glared at his message machine seeing the red light blinking: three messages!

"You have three messages, message one:

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! SHAKE THAT BUTT, NIGGA!" Bakura groaned, thinking, _Why must people torture me?_

Message two:

"BAKKUURRAAA! I need Kotex. Well, not right now, but...Will you buy me some?"

"Great," Bakura grumbled, "now I have to get Anzu some Kotex..."

Message three:

"WHO'S A HOOOOOOOEEEEEEE? BAKURA'S A HOOOEEEEEE! Ooh, how about this one? I AM STONER MAN, SMOKING MARIJUANA FROM A PEPSI CAN! I TAKE LSD'S, NOW PURPLE MONKEY'S ARE CHASING ME! I actually I think I do see purple monkey's, Bakura...And if you have a problem with my singing, you can just SCREW OFF!"

"MALIK, YOU'RE SISTER'S TRYING TO RAPE ME AGAIN!"

"COMING!"

Beep!

"You have no new messages."

Bakura groaned and left to the store.

X

"Hmm, I wonder if she meant the brand Kotex...Or what?" Bakura blinked, staring at the variety of pads and tampons. "Umm..." He shrugged and grabbed the brand Kotex. He paused, giving a curious look to the condoms and lube. " Trojan...Will give you extra pleasure..." Bakura smirked and grabbed the Trojan and the lube. He went up to the check-out counter and dumped the items on the top. The cashier raised an eyebrow.

"IT'S FOR A FRIEND, DAMMIT!"

The woman's eyes bulged and she quickly scanned them.

"Nineteen dollars and thirty-four cents."

"Damn money these days..." Bakura muttered.

X

Ding dong!

"Thanks Bakura!" Anzu grabbed the bag and blinked at the condoms and lube. "Uhh...Wanna come in?" She asked, giving him a sly smile.

"Hell, I was hoping you'd ask!"

X

DIS: So short...(goes in a corner and rocks back and forth) Bunnies and kittens, bunnies and kittens...

Marik: (oO) I keep forgetting she's afraid of short chapters...


End file.
